Some of you know this but I’m back in town again. This time for a lot longer. Turns out it wasn’t my time to live in London. On my way back, I read this quote that reminded me that this wasn’t the end: “I will come to you, again. In another time. In another place. Where there are no endings. Only beginnings.”
I’d be lying if I didn’t feel like a failure. Aside from moving to this country, this move was the biggest move of my life and I can’t believe I couldn’t make it happen again. It’s so fucking hard. I know all of you have been there before. The past week, I’ve had one bad news after another and all I could think of is “fuck, I just need one break … I’m trying to so hard and I can’t see that break yet.” Actually it’s been happening since the start of May when I was coming to the realization that this may be it. My almost one year in London living the dream is ending.
A Monday following S leaving found me very sad. It’s always great to be around him. On top of being supportive (in more than one way), he provided ways to show how much I love London. That Monday morning, I also got two rejection letters from employers I was pretty far into the interview process with. It couldn’t get worse. I told myself that I’m going to the nearest curry place (my comfort food in London) and buying a cheap bottle of wine and getting drunk while eating curry in bed. So I did that.
Naked, done with eating, bowl next to me and wine bottle almost gone, I realized that the curry is kicking in and I hear my stomach rumble. I run off to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw that some of the curry had spilled into the bed, in my rush to the toilet. Fuck. How did that happen? Don’t know. Maybe because I was drunk. Maybe because I was still hungry. But I licked the curry sauce that wasn’t absorbed by the sheet. It tasted sweet which was odd because the curry I have been eating has been spicy. I get back in there and smell it.
Yep, I’ve literally just eaten my own liquid shit… I’m having a fucking shitty week with shitty luck and I just finished with eating my shitty shit. Then I started uncontrollably laughing—and I hope you are now. It can’t get any worse than eating your own feces. This will get better and if anything, every friend I’ve told the story has sympathized but more importantly, laughed their asses off. If anything, it makes me very happy to make a friend laugh so I hope you’re laughing now too.
Now that I’m back, my luck has unfortunately not gotten that much better. Two freelance projects I was counting on fell through very unexpectedly. Now I’m back with no work, no idea what the fuck to do.
Then last night, I was talking to a friend who’s known me for a year or so. I told him about my “shitty” story, how I’m back and not sure what to do. He asked where I lived. I said, thankfully a kind friend is letting me stay at her place until I figure things out. He then said “wow, I’m always impressed with how lucky you are … you’re the luckiest guy.” First few seconds took me to an angry place, what the fuck does he mean, did he not just hear about how I ate my own shit?! Then it hit, yes I’m the luckiest. Without so many of you guys, I would have crumbled a long time ago. You, friends, told me that I would make it when I thought I am ready to jump off of a bridge. You reminded me to hold my head up high and move forward. You loaned me money when I needed it and didn’t bat an eye about asking what for. When all I emitted was sadness, negativity and anger, you didn’t walk away so you’re not infected with it. Even when I told you I was fine, you kept poking for me to say more.
This experience taught me about myself but what it taught me more than anything else is that I wouldn’t be alive without your support. Without you, I’m just a random guy with crazy dreams that will never be realized. I want you to know that no matter how you do it, you’ve made me better, you’ve made me trust myself better and trust that I am loved. Even when your own blood wants nothing to do with you, you were more than any family I could ever dream of. The unconditional love from you will always baffle me … then pull me from whatever shitty spot I’m in. Hopefully with a good story for us to laugh at.
I love you,