Will you elect me Mayor of Chicago?

I may throw my hat into the ring for Mayor of Chicago.  I in no way think I’m qualified, nor do I have any interest in being Mayor Hillman.  That said, the disheartening story after disheartening story of a politician done wrong makes me think that a) I don’t want to vote for any of the current options, b) I’d rather elect someone who’s never been in politics, and c) I may have a chance with the simple platform below.

If elected Mayor of Chicago, I promise:

  • To not do anything bad with money – embezzle, launder, counterfeit, steal
  • To not cheat on my boyfriend
  • To not hire Uncle Marvin to do the city’s taxes or Cousin Glen to design the city’s buildings
  • To not take money from people who want favors
  • To not spend any money on my campaign; I have no money to spend and think it’d be an awesome challenge and accomplishment if someone without gazillions could win
  • To step down if it’s evident I’m not a good fit or there’s someone who’d do it better
  • To not plaster my name all over the city via street signs, highway signs, park signs, building signs
  • To say “I’ve screwed up” when I screw up
  • To say “I need help” when I need help
  • To have a salary that lets me pay my bills, not incur debt, save for retirement, and have an occasional trip to Michigan, dinner at the Purple Pig, and pedicure – but no more

You’re skeptical.  People have promised this all before.  Well, let me ease your fears the way I let people know I was serious back in the nineties, back in the Bulls’ heyday – I swear on BJ Armstrong.