Will you elect me Mayor of Chicago?

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I may throw my hat into the ring for Mayor of Chicago. I in no way think I’m qualified, nor do I have any interest in being Mayor Hillman. That said, the disheartening story after disheartening story of a politician done wrong makes me think that a) I don’t want to vote for any of the current options, b) I’d rather elect someone who’s never been in politics, and c) I may have a chance with the simple platform below.

If elected Mayor of Chicago, I promise:

To not do anything bad with money – embezzle, launder, counterfeit, steal
To not cheat on my boyfriend
To not hire Uncle Marvin to do the city’s taxes or Cousin Glen to design the city’s buildings
To not take money from people who want favors
To not spend any money on my campaign; I have no money to spend and think it’d be an awesome challenge and accomplishment if someone without gazillions could win
To step down if it’s evident I’m not a good fit or there’s someone who’d do it better
To not plaster my name all over the city via street signs, highway signs, park signs, building signs
To say “I’ve screwed up” when I screw up
To say “I need help” when I need help
To have a salary that lets me pay my bills, not incur debt, save for retirement, and have an occasional trip to Michigan, dinner at the Purple Pig, and pedicure – but no more

You’re skeptical. People have promised this all before. Well, let me ease your fears the way I let people know I was serious back in the nineties, back in the Bulls’ heyday – I swear on BJ Armstrong.