Will only eat meat that comes in geometric shapes from now on

Those poor saps coming for Thanksgiving today.  Frozen pizza isn’t too much of a disappointing replacement for turkey, is it?  All I have to say is that touching meat that actually looks like the animal it came from is disgusting and I’ll never do it again.  I stupidly volunteered to do the turkey this year, not realizing it doesn’t come carved on a platter and that you have to deal with things like juices, salmonella poisoning, floppy wings, slippery skin and most horrid of all, the detached neck left in the cavity.  I hyperventilated taking that out and heaved all the way to the trash can.  I have no idea what gibbards or gizzards or whatever they’re called are, but we’ll find out at dinner tonight because after the neck incident, I refused to go searching and remove them as the instructions stated.  I also refused to cut any excess fat.  Again, stupidly, decided to brine the turkey, so I’ve had to interact with the dumb bird for the past 48 hours, turning it in the brine as its pimply, pasty skin stares up at me.

I still have to “detach skin and rub” blah blah blah and jam a thermometer in the thigh, so this may be my last post as I definitely might die during those requirements.

My goal has changed from “make a delicious and moist turkey” to “be able to take out the garbage that has the detached neck in it without my heart quickening out of irrational fear that it’s going to come to life and eat me.”